Actions Speak Louder than Words

Hi folks,

Actions speak louder and than words. A phrase that annoys the hell out of me, but it is true. We (mostly myself) tend to talk and plan alot but we do not follow through. However, this time I am. If I really want to see a change in my life from now on, this is the time to do it. Since, I royally fucked up in the past.

I will follow through:

  • Credit card debt– the action plan for this is to budget, stop using my credit cards, and plan out how to tackle down my credit card payments.
  • Student loans– the action plan for this is to pay more than the minimum.
  • Find a better paying job– the action for this is obvious, I need to do more job searching and I need to find a part time job.
    • I’ve already updated my resume and CV, and so far, I already have 1 major interview lined up. If I get that job, I should be set and be able to help out more.
  • Mental and physical health– the action plan for this is to:
    • Going to church during lunch time has helped me reflect about the past, present, and future. A block away from my job, there is a church, and just walking into the church, gives me a sense of reality relief and helps me reflect on myself. I recommend doing this. It gives you some peace of mind.
    • Eating healthier and going to the gym is the obvious action plan for physical health.
      • since, I’m budgeting, I’m bring lunch to work and staying away from starbucks : (

Funny how I always include my family in my list, but this time I am not. I can’t help them if I cannot help myself. This time I will follow through with this. My anxiety was out of control last week, it was really really bad due to credit card debt, student loans, and rent payments. So, I literally grabbed a book and wrote down all of my credit card balances and when I get a paycheck. I will explain my game plan on this in another blog, because I want to test it out first, and if it works then I will share it.

Honestly, I tell myself things could be alot worse than it is now. Just because I do not have a PhD, does not mean life stops. Yes, I didn’t get it, now I have to move on, and folks I am. I’m trying really hard, but sometimes I look back and say to myself, “you screwed up so bad and look at you now?! What makes you think you will do better?!” Again, I will explain in another blog, about what really happened and how I faced my department about my experiences with my advisor.

Anyways, I’m trying.

Getting back to ‘Work Mode’…..

Hi Folks,

The purpose of this particular blog is to ‘getting back to work mode‘. In the past couple of week or months, I’ve totally wasted time on not doing anything productive. I would work on something for an hour and next thing you know I’m thinking about my family, future, logging on to facebook, and just stupid stuff. My head was literally in the clouds.

However, when it came to work (for my job), I would be on top of whatever project, I was working on. Finish it to the end. However, academia-related projects for my future (ie. writing article, looking of assistant professor jobs, writing a research statement, updating my CV) has been in the back burner in past couple of months. I feel like I have no energy or just not compelled to do anything related to that. Let’s take a step back, my current job is academia related- I am a researcher but working on my director’s projects. I supervise other research assistants.

Well, I made the good old ‘check list’ and notice a few things.

  1. I am not realistic.
  2. I need to break down my ‘tasks’ into smaller ‘tasks’ to accomplish the ‘end product.’
  3. Need to set due dates for myself to ensure that I complete each task at a timely manner.

 

Determined to keep going….

Hi Folks,

So my last blog was about not giving up on myself and I am determined to do that. I am not sure if I mentioned this, but I have a full-time job and a part-time graduate student. I am not taking classes though, I finished all of my course work and comps in the first two years of my grad program.

I am determined to keep going. I know other people are in worse situations and I shouldn’t give up. I will not. This is my year and I will take ownership of it and stop letting time pass me by. I have to do it for myself and family, even though they STRESS the hell out of me, but that is nothing new.

I will take care of myself better because I come first. As one of my professor told me and she lives by, “I have the RIGHT to my own LIFE.”

Concentration

So far, Yesterday went pretty ok. I’m at work and for some reason my attention span is really bad. For example, it is very difficult for me to focus on something or completing a task at work or for my dissertation. I feel like I have so much on my mind, related to family and trying to get things accomplished. I really need to stop that because it is getting in the way of work. I worry too much about my parents and their jobs, paying off credit cards, my brother being an asshole (ie. he used some of our names to open up credit cards & he is not helping out at all), and lastly, I’m hoping by the end of this this year my family and I can finally purchase a home.

I wonder if anyone out there, go through this? or is it just me? It’s very hard for me to function when I constantly worrying about home. For example, yesterday my dad had a doctor’s appointment and since his hours were cut short, he went to his appointment and next thing I know, his boss was giving him such a hard time. I had to get in touch with this boss and tell him (via text because he did not want to talk on the phone) that he is already off the clock, because his hours was cut from 40 hours a week to 15 hours a week (which means his regular hours is from 8:00AM-11:00AM, Monday through Fridays). My dad’s appointment was at 2:45PM, so technically, my dad is off the clock. Anyways, long story short, his boss was upset and I said to him, well, this is what happens when you cut his hours, you cannot expect him to be in the building all day, without getting any compensation.

I really wish my dad can let go of that job, because it really stresses me out. I feel bad for him because I see him struggling with work and dealing with such assholes. This is why I always go back to blaming myself. I tell myself, “if only you’d finish your PhD , a year or 2 ago, maybe you’d be making a bit more $$ and able to contribute more to the family!” I drive myself insane, because I constantly blame myself. I make OK for myself now, actually I make a tad bit better than being paid as a teaching assistant, but still it is not enough to buy a home and just be stress free.

I wish things could be different for me and my parents, but I know we will get pass this and be resilient. I’m not giving up my goals. I know my family and I will get pass this bump on the road.

As for concentration, I did ok yesterday afternoon (I wrote this blog in the morning and saved it as a draft). I just closed my door and just started going at it. I thought about what is important and the only way to get through this (family situation and Phd) is to just do it! I know it sounds silly and redundant when I complain and write about family and PhD. But I really need to understand that doing the work (ie. job and dissertation) is the only way out of this.

Family and Phd Journey Update

Hello There!
Just a few updates on the following shitty journey of my Phd. First and foremost, my dissertation defense was a disaster because my committee members (well some) thought that I was not ready and you know what, I do not blame them at all. After having a very incompetent advisor (God forgive me), I was getting nowhere with anything. Also, what I thought was pretty much OK (dissertation), was not at all OK with my committee. They thought I needed to do more work and cleaning up and I say this again, “I agree with them.”  But in any case, I’m happy that at least it will be a quality dissertation and not something that is total shit. I understand and I know that I’m not saving the world or have some great theory, but I want to be PROUD of my work and have my committee stand behind it and be proud of it too.

Because of this horrible event. I was completely depressed. All I wanted to do was to hide out in my room and just not bother talking or hanging out with no one. I wanted to be completely alone because I felt that it was my fault that this all happened. If only, I had changed a few things in my past, for example, not waste my summers. However, every summer I was working with a research center, which landed me a full time position (now). Also, another biggest problem is my family. My dad’s health is not so good and his new employers are total assholes, because they have him manage 2 buildings (he is superintendent) and not only that, his hours reduced from 40 hours a week to 15 hours a week with a shitty hourly pay. My mom finally has a few jobs and she is working every day. I’m so happy for my mom, because a year ago, her health took for a turn and she was in pretty bad shape. So, my mom working, relieves pressure off of me.

My parents and I want to purchase a home but it has been difficult. It’s a process, and we are trying to get rid (paying off) our credit cards and save up more money for a good down payment. But until then, I’m hoping we will have our own home by the beginning of next year (2016). I feel terrible and bad because if ONLY I finished my PhD sooner, maybe we wouldn’t be in this position. My life would probably be different. I feel like i should be in this place/time of my life, where I’m still on working on the damn thing (dissertation). Anyways, it is what it is.

Now, I’m working full-time (phew!) and editing/fixing my dissertation.

The following are my goals for the summer:

1. finalize the dissertation and hand it to my new advisor by end of July.

2. pay off all of my credit cards by September

3. Saving $$$

i will write back tomorrow!