2017 Updates

Hi Folks,

Sorry to deliver some bad news, but I didn’t pass my dissertation defense and ended up dropping out of graduate school. All of this happened about 7 or 8 months ago. I didn’t even have the courage to even write about all of this because I was in denial and in a really bad place, physically and emotionally. I let down alot of people, most importantly, I let down my family. I didn’t say anything to anyone, like friends, co-workers, and family outside my immediate family (aunts, uncles, and cousins). The only people who knew were my parents and my boss. I thought it would be tough writing this blog, but so far, I’m not crying or not as angry.

I was angry and ashamed of myself when all of this unfolded. Between dealing with issues at the home front (please read this blog: Updates) which included the following:

  1. My dad getting fired (please read: Angry  & To my father)
  2. My dad getting a hip surgery (which is a good thing, because it was a long time coming)
  3. Finding a new home for myself and my parents (since my dad was a building superintendent, we lived in an apartment for free, but when he got fired we had to move out immediately).
  4. My brother’s addiction to pills (please read: Surviving Through Family Issues 
  5. Preparing my dissertation defense
  6. Fighting for another chance for another dissertation defense with my department
  7. Work life

Thinking back, I don’t even think my mental state was good. Everything was a fog, I felt like I was fighting with life everyday but I kept telling myself ‘I will get through this…just defend the dissertation and everything will be ok.’ I was 100% sure that I was going to pass and graduate. I imagined myself walking down the aisle with my PhD robe and see my parents all dolled up and proud of their daughter. BUT I was was wrong, completely wrong. Between October 2016 through January 2017, I was living day by day, trying to survive my own life. I was constantly worried between my own problems with school and family issues. I was literally in the eye of the storm, every fucking day, between October 2016 and January 2017.

I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I want to truly believe that something good is going to come out of all this.

I’m currently dealing with the following:

  1. credit card debt
  2. student loans
  3. my mental and physical health
  4. trying to find part-time jobs for more income
  5. trying to find a better full time job for more income

I promise, I will try to write more, but this blog was my first step to tell the world that I do not have a PhD.

Thank you for reading.

 

Working Out

So, it’s going to be two weeks now since I’ve been going to the gym. I’m going to try to stick with it, but I’ve made it a part of my daily routine. In other words, just like I how I eat dinner everyday, I go to the gym everyday. I’m going at my own pace, in terms of not getting all nuts. After the 4th or 5th day, I felt a difference in myself, not physical, but mentally. I felt a bit calmer and not as anxious.

I think going to the gym or at least doing some type of physical activity (besides walking to your car, or commuting home) should be a part of our day. I can see how people get really obsessed going to the gym because you are dealing with yourself and listening to your favorite music. Nothing else matters, but you and the great music.

Do I see a change? NOPE…lol. I really don’t see a change in my body but I do see a change in my attitude and state of mind.

I do the following at the gym: 

  • 30 minutes on the treadmill 
    • 5 minutes warmup
    • 10 minutes incline and power walk
    • 15 minutes incline and jogging
  • 10 minutes on the Arc Trainer machine 
  • 10 minutes on elipitical 
  • 15 minutes of weights 

So, bottom line, go out and do some exercise. Go out and enjoy some great music.

Angry

I wish I can personally express to someone how I am feeling at this very moment.

I’m so angry the way my father is treated.

I’m so angry people can be so fucking arrogant and such assholes.

It’s been getting worse each day.

At times it is as if life is not fair, but nothing is fair. Can I have a minute to complain? I’m grateful for everything that I have, the bed I sleep in, the fact my parents have jobs (my dad has full-time job and my mom has a part-time job). I don’t mean to complain so much. But I wonder at times how does it feel to sleep peacefully? without worrying how your parents day is going to unfold the next day? I pray every day (literally) and every night that everything goes as smoothly as possible for my parents.

I wish I wouldn’t have to worry as much, but this takes me back when I was little kid. When I had to translate for my parents, I use to fear when my parents had to say something to someone and they wouldn’t understand. All of these fears keep creeping up on me again. Can I for once not worry about such things? I envy my peers and friends who don’t need to worry about such things.

Sorry people for writing such sad/angry blogs…but this is the way I feel now.

 

Surviving Through Family Issues

Hi Folks,

I do not have surviving tips going through family issues, but I have experiences, and at this point, I think I may become a pro at this.

I do not know if this is a Latin/Hispanic culture (although I think it is) but family is overwhelming. Especially my family and mix that with trying to get your phd degree or going through college, becomes very stressful. I wish there would be a study about that. I believe my experiences between family issues and pursuing a phd degree has gotten to a point where I’m so overwhelmed and I’m so sick and tired of talking about it to my close friends and boyfriend. I am not sure if I am clear here, but I have gone through so much bullshit with my family and with my fucking degree, that at times, I think, why does this happen to me? Why must I deal with this? Why can’t things be as simple as this other person in my graduate program, who is married and is about to pop a kid? why can’t I  have great experiences as others do? I’m so tired of this.

Currently, my brother is an addict (prescription drugs and I wouldn’t be surprised with other stuff) and two days ago we found out that he stole some stuff from my parents bedroom. He was caught red handed through security cameras throughout our building. When I watched the cameras (yesterday) I couldn’t believe I was watching my brother carrying a bag filled with my parents things. The issue here, is that he has gotten to this very low point. I never thought my brother would steal, the stuff he stole is the least of things, but he must have been very desperate to do this. I’m not sure if I more mad that he denies all of this or that he is getting worse. We (my brother and I) stopped talking, because again, he was using my mom’s credit cards without her permission. I want to make something very clear, I PAY my mom’s credit cards because she is not working as much (she cleans houses for a living)- so she is only cleaning one house. My brother is living  in a very beautiful apartment, which I think he can no longer afford.

Anyways, what I am trying to get at, is why does this happen to me?? I have to deal with my mom, because of my brother’s actions, and she is emotionally draining me. She randomly cries, and I feel for her. That is her son and she suffers. We tried to help my brother, but it has gotten nowhere. He constantly lies but that is normal for an addict.

Now, tell me this, when do I have time to do something related to my dissertation or pursing my degree. I wish I had the means to move out, but that does not resolve the issues because I did that (when I did my master’s degree) and the same bullshit family problems follow me.

I have grown a thick skin, to a point where I do not care anymore. It is not fair that everyone else in my family had a great time when they were in their 30s and yet I have to have such a shitty life. This is not fair. why doesn’t anybody ask me how am I doing? I’m done trying to resolve my family’s problems, I love my parents but sometimes, I just need to take a break. So, what do I do? I just mentally and emotionally check out. I do not get involved anymore, and I’m doing this now with my brother. I probably regret it, because God forbid something happens, and I will look back and say “why didn’t do anything?” but if that happens, I cannot be held responsible for his actions. I do not mean to be selfish but sometimes you must to survive all of this.

Right now, I am sitting at my office on a Saturday trying to complete some revisions, because I cannot stand being at home. I will do this and I will get my phd degree, no matter what. I need to be stronger and get to my goal, because neither my parents or my brother are going to do that for me. I have to do it and I will.

Anyways, I hope I can write a better and positive blog next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Downward Spiral

HI Folks,

Yet again, it’s been awhile since I posted my last blog. Alot of shit and drama went down since the last time I wrote. There are many things I learned, and sometimes things happen because they are suppose to happen (if that makes any sense). Where do I begin?

Let me start off with family:

I’ve become aware of how one’s own family can only damage you but they can really set you back. My brother, who I love dearly and I dedicated my last blog, is currently going through a dark phase in his life. If you read my last blog, you will have a better understanding of the situation. Recently, my brother and I had a fall out and we got to a point where we are no longer speaking to each other. To be honest, it hurts me to think my brother really hates me. If we were both a bit younger, it wouldn’t have bother me as much because we are young and stupid. However, we are both older and aware of things and sometimes saying hurtful things can really leave a mark on your heart. For the past several months or since moving back home, I learned alot of things about myself. For example, I will not let things get to me. Let me explain this, in the past, I would really try to make things better at any cost, to the point where it looks like I’m desparate to make things better. In other words, if someone is mad at me, I will make it my ultimate mission for that person, to no longer be mad at me. I would waste my time and energy, thinking of why that person is mad at me and what did I do. Even when it’s not even my fault. Now, how does this apply to my brother? Well, like I said he is going through a really dark time in his life now, to the point where he has blaming us (my parents and I) for his mishaps in his life. Mind you, my brother is in his 40s. He has been abusing medications and uses it as an excuse for his behavior towards us. It has gotten to the point where my mom has become depressed because she blames herself and she constantly worries about him (as any mother would). There were several times when brother did not have any money, so my parents and I would help him out. The icing on the cake is when he opened and used to of my mother’s credit cards and blew alot of money (one of her cards). I help my mom pay her credit cards bills and it is not fair that he blows money (in this case her credit cards) and does not have a care in the world. I have the right to be upset and so does my mom. Eventually, she confronted him about it and he got upset and does not take accountability of his actions. The part that gets to me is that he blames me for the FACT that my mom found out about him using her credit cards. So, my mom and I cancelled both of his cards and he was livid. He send alot of hurtful text message and asked me to no longer talk to him because of my actions towards him. So, now it has been 2 weeks since this event happened and I have not texted him back nor spoken to him. Do I feel bad? No, because I will no longer let other people damage me, I’m sick of it. I will not other dictate my feelings or my life. In the past, I would bend over backwards to have him not be mad at me but now, I honestly, don’t really give a fuck. I had enough. My mental state was very bad because he was really stressing me out and not only that I had to deal with my mom. So, that pretty much sums up my family life.

Phd- it’s been going bad. To the extent, it sickens me to talk about it. But now, I’m back on the horse and will try my best to get this degree done!!! I will write more about it tomorrow.

Health wise- it’s been going bad as well. All of this stress has taken it’s toll on me.

 

 

 

 

 

Patience and Exercise

I know I wrote a blog about faith/meditation yesterday, but like I said I’m not perfect. Last night, I swear my patience was wearing very thin. I felt this fire inside of me, like a ticking time bomb about to explode any minute with emotions. I just want to be alone. Is this normal?? There are times when I do not want to talk to my boyfriend on the phone, I do not want to deal with my parents, and lastly there is fucking way I want deal or see my brother. He is the icing on the cake. I can’t stand him, especially when I’m losing my patience. He is one of the reasons why my parents and I are constantly stressed out, and now I’m going to go on a rant about him (sorry!). Maybe it makes me feel better, but what the hell. Here I go. He is a PIG!!! and expects my parents and I to cater to his every fucking need. He is one of the most selfish persons I know on this earth. He is way much older than I am and yet he acts like a 19 year old immature brat. He still lives with his parents and is in total debt (credit cards, school loans- mind you he graduated like 10-15 years ago), took out loans on behalf of my mom (which by the way ended up destroying her credit scores- because he did not pay his student loans in the past 10 years), and he has tons of credit cards (did I tell you that some of the credit cards were under my parents names???). Every time he comes home, I swear, I feel like he brings a dark cloud with him. I love my brother and I always will, but he just adds that extra volume of stress in my life.

***I wrote the above paragraph last night***

So, since last night, I cooled off, I think I was very tired because I came home late (last minute meeting at work) and the night before. Also, I noticed that when I do not work out, I feel like total shit. I’ve started going to a recreation with my dad, it has an indoor and outdoor pool and a fitness center. My dad goes there almost everyday and has been getting my mom and I to go with him. I use to HATE going, only because I was extremely lazy and just wanted to watch tv and relax after work. Who can blame me? My commute to work is about an hour long. Anyways, in the past month, I’ve been going with my father and I head straight to the fitness center while my dad goes to the pool. Oh did I mention, the recreation has 2 saunas?? No wonder, my dad loves going there. It’s a good way to relax. I go to the gym for about 40-60 mins and then I go to the saunas. I just sit there and try to do some meditation (I do not mean sitting with my legs crossed and saying ‘cmmmmmmm’)- I just lay there and do some breathing exercises (breathe in and breathe out). All jokes aside, adding the gym/sauna in my daily routine, Monday through Friday routine, does wonders. Believe me, I can lose some weight, but I do this for mental exercise (I’m not crazy, well, I don’t think I am, but going through all this bullshit drives me insane). Also, I use to get extremely bored, especially when using the treadmill, but I load up my kindle with some books (I love mystery books) and read it while I’m on either the treadmill or elliptical. My boyfriend thinks I’m nuts when I do this (reading my kindle) but I just speed walk on the treadmill and have it on an incline. For me, reading helps to kill time.

Bottom line- I highly recommend adding some exercise to your daily routine, especially when writing a dissertation and have a 9:00-5:00PM job.  I honestly, go on the treadmill for about 30-40 minutes and then the elliptical for about 10-15 minutes. Try it! I started off with baby steps and then it (exercising)  just gradually became part of my routine.

Concentration

So far, Yesterday went pretty ok. I’m at work and for some reason my attention span is really bad. For example, it is very difficult for me to focus on something or completing a task at work or for my dissertation. I feel like I have so much on my mind, related to family and trying to get things accomplished. I really need to stop that because it is getting in the way of work. I worry too much about my parents and their jobs, paying off credit cards, my brother being an asshole (ie. he used some of our names to open up credit cards & he is not helping out at all), and lastly, I’m hoping by the end of this this year my family and I can finally purchase a home.

I wonder if anyone out there, go through this? or is it just me? It’s very hard for me to function when I constantly worrying about home. For example, yesterday my dad had a doctor’s appointment and since his hours were cut short, he went to his appointment and next thing I know, his boss was giving him such a hard time. I had to get in touch with this boss and tell him (via text because he did not want to talk on the phone) that he is already off the clock, because his hours was cut from 40 hours a week to 15 hours a week (which means his regular hours is from 8:00AM-11:00AM, Monday through Fridays). My dad’s appointment was at 2:45PM, so technically, my dad is off the clock. Anyways, long story short, his boss was upset and I said to him, well, this is what happens when you cut his hours, you cannot expect him to be in the building all day, without getting any compensation.

I really wish my dad can let go of that job, because it really stresses me out. I feel bad for him because I see him struggling with work and dealing with such assholes. This is why I always go back to blaming myself. I tell myself, “if only you’d finish your PhD , a year or 2 ago, maybe you’d be making a bit more $$ and able to contribute more to the family!” I drive myself insane, because I constantly blame myself. I make OK for myself now, actually I make a tad bit better than being paid as a teaching assistant, but still it is not enough to buy a home and just be stress free.

I wish things could be different for me and my parents, but I know we will get pass this and be resilient. I’m not giving up my goals. I know my family and I will get pass this bump on the road.

As for concentration, I did ok yesterday afternoon (I wrote this blog in the morning and saved it as a draft). I just closed my door and just started going at it. I thought about what is important and the only way to get through this (family situation and Phd) is to just do it! I know it sounds silly and redundant when I complain and write about family and PhD. But I really need to understand that doing the work (ie. job and dissertation) is the only way out of this.

Day 8_MIA…Sorry

Hello!!

Sorry for MAJOR DELAY! I think my last blog was in October! whoops! Let me catch you up, the reason I am doing this is because I cannot sleep. All I keep doing is thinking ALOT!!!

So, I think in my last blog- I was doing doing a daily routine which included: waking up early, go to the gym, then do work, go home, do some more work (because you know YOU ALWAYS TAKE WORK HOME WITH YOU AS A GRADUATE STUDENT…AND IF YOU DON’T CONSIDER YOURSELF AWESOME!), then have dinner, watch tv, and pass out!

Well, the routine worked for a while, when a curveball came my way. I mentioned this in my first blog, about my family problems. Well, it only intensified and got worse since I last brought it up. Long story short, my dad was about to be unemployed, he is a superintendent (basically cleaning and managing a building), and just Yesterday, the building was officially sold by another company. Good news is, that my dad is working for that company now. However, the weeks leading up to yesterday, were the worse days, not only for me, but for my parents and brother as well. Why? well, because if my dad did not work then we’d have to find a place to live and to be honest, we do not have the ability to purchase a home or even cover 3 months worth of rent (security deposit, real estate agent fees, and 1st months rent). The whole ordeal was STRESSFUL and it really screwed up things, because my mom was depressed, my dad tried to be positive and telling us that ‘everything will be OK’, my brother was trying really hard to straighten things out with my dad previous employers (basically they are trying to screw my dad over). I dreaded calling my parents (I call them everyday and at least 2x’s a day) because of the problems and issues going on at home. Nothing was the same anymore because we were all so overwhelm. I did not want to deal with it because I have to finish my dissertation. All I kept thinking about was my family and it is really difficult to separate family and work, well for me at least.

However, since my dad is now working for these new company, we are able to stay in the same building and he will now have benefits, over-time pay, rent free apartment, and lastly he will only work certain hours of the day (this is totally the opposite from his previous employers). My mom is going to work today, which she is super happy about. So, in a way I am happy and relieved because this whole situation had a negative effect on me, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Some updates with my dissertation, well I am almost there! I just have the analysis/findings and conclusion chapter to work on and that is it. I was planning on graduating this semester BUT I do not think it is possible. Also, I thought that if I graduate in the spring of 2015, I can use my grace-period (6 months) to pay back my loans. So, if I graduate in December then I would have to start paying back my loans in May; however, if I graduate in May I will pay them back in November. Also, good news! I have a full-time job waiting for me in February!! can you believe??! I super happy and relieved!

Anyways, I’m starting to feel sleepy (it’s like 12:50 AM)- I will try to go the gym today and start my routine!

I will try to start writing again here, I promise!!!