Actions Speak Louder than Words

Hi folks,

Actions speak louder and than words. A phrase that annoys the hell out of me, but it is true. We (mostly myself) tend to talk and plan alot but we do not follow through. However, this time I am. If I really want to see a change in my life from now on, this is the time to do it. Since, I royally fucked up in the past.

I will follow through:

  • Credit card debt– the action plan for this is to budget, stop using my credit cards, and plan out how to tackle down my credit card payments.
  • Student loans– the action plan for this is to pay more than the minimum.
  • Find a better paying job– the action for this is obvious, I need to do more job searching and I need to find a part time job.
    • I’ve already updated my resume and CV, and so far, I already have 1 major interview lined up. If I get that job, I should be set and be able to help out more.
  • Mental and physical health– the action plan for this is to:
    • Going to church during lunch time has helped me reflect about the past, present, and future. A block away from my job, there is a church, and just walking into the church, gives me a sense of reality relief and helps me reflect on myself. I recommend doing this. It gives you some peace of mind.
    • Eating healthier and going to the gym is the obvious action plan for physical health.
      • since, I’m budgeting, I’m bring lunch to work and staying away from starbucks : (

Funny how I always include my family in my list, but this time I am not. I can’t help them if I cannot help myself. This time I will follow through with this. My anxiety was out of control last week, it was really really bad due to credit card debt, student loans, and rent payments. So, I literally grabbed a book and wrote down all of my credit card balances and when I get a paycheck. I will explain my game plan on this in another blog, because I want to test it out first, and if it works then I will share it.

Honestly, I tell myself things could be alot worse than it is now. Just because I do not have a PhD, does not mean life stops. Yes, I didn’t get it, now I have to move on, and folks I am. I’m trying really hard, but sometimes I look back and say to myself, “you screwed up so bad and look at you now?! What makes you think you will do better?!” Again, I will explain in another blog, about what really happened and how I faced my department about my experiences with my advisor.

Anyways, I’m trying.

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2017 Updates

Hi Folks,

Sorry to deliver some bad news, but I didn’t pass my dissertation defense and ended up dropping out of graduate school. All of this happened about 7 or 8 months ago. I didn’t even have the courage to even write about all of this because I was in denial and in a really bad place, physically and emotionally. I let down alot of people, most importantly, I let down my family. I didn’t say anything to anyone, like friends, co-workers, and family outside my immediate family (aunts, uncles, and cousins). The only people who knew were my parents and my boss. I thought it would be tough writing this blog, but so far, I’m not crying or not as angry.

I was angry and ashamed of myself when all of this unfolded. Between dealing with issues at the home front (please read this blog: Updates) which included the following:

  1. My dad getting fired (please read: Angry  & To my father)
  2. My dad getting a hip surgery (which is a good thing, because it was a long time coming)
  3. Finding a new home for myself and my parents (since my dad was a building superintendent, we lived in an apartment for free, but when he got fired we had to move out immediately).
  4. My brother’s addiction to pills (please read: Surviving Through Family Issues 
  5. Preparing my dissertation defense
  6. Fighting for another chance for another dissertation defense with my department
  7. Work life

Thinking back, I don’t even think my mental state was good. Everything was a fog, I felt like I was fighting with life everyday but I kept telling myself ‘I will get through this…just defend the dissertation and everything will be ok.’ I was 100% sure that I was going to pass and graduate. I imagined myself walking down the aisle with my PhD robe and see my parents all dolled up and proud of their daughter. BUT I was was wrong, completely wrong. Between October 2016 through January 2017, I was living day by day, trying to survive my own life. I was constantly worried between my own problems with school and family issues. I was literally in the eye of the storm, every fucking day, between October 2016 and January 2017.

I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I want to truly believe that something good is going to come out of all this.

I’m currently dealing with the following:

  1. credit card debt
  2. student loans
  3. my mental and physical health
  4. trying to find part-time jobs for more income
  5. trying to find a better full time job for more income

I promise, I will try to write more, but this blog was my first step to tell the world that I do not have a PhD.

Thank you for reading.

 

Updates

Hi Folks,

Again, I’m sorry for not writing frequently. At this point, I should perhaps think about writing a book about my freaking life. I have both good and bad updates (mostly bad).

Let’s start off with the bad (let’s rip that band-aid):

  • Three months ago, my father got fired from his job. A total of 22 years of being a building superintendent. I will explain this in another blog. But we are OK. I can tell you that it was HELL. We went to court and had to find a place to live quick, despite the holidays.
  • My brother, went back to his old habits (addiction).
  • Grad school stuff was been the worse.
  • Job is ok, but I need the fucking degree to get promoted.

Good stuff:

  • My parents and I found a nice place to live. We are much happier.
  • I keep praying and my faith has really gotten me through the darkest days of my life.

Although my life of bad updates/stuff is longer than the good, all I can say that things could be worse. Financially, things are a bit tight, but I have faith my family and I will get through this.

2017, I really hope you can treat my family and I better. 2016 can kiss my ass!

I will try to write something tomorrow. But I really hope you guys/gals had a happy new year. Despite all these life setbacks, the only thing we can do is to move forward! As my parents say “tenemos que siguer adelante!”

I really missed blogging and I will try to this more frequently. Bye folks!

Grad school Friends

One of my best friends from grad school visited me yesterday and to be honest with you I’m the worse person to ever keep in touch with friends. It’s not because I’m selfish or I don’t care, but for some odd reason, I’m just bad a keeping in touch. I’ve lost many friends because of that. Life gets in the way. I think if I had more close friends, I wouldn’t blog my problems with graduate school and family. But in a way, this (blogging) is like an outlet for me. It’s hard to tell my friends my problems or issues I’m facing because sometimes I feel like I’m boring them or they just want me to shut up. That’s why I keep my problems/issues all to myself, which is also not good. I just deal with it or completely ignore it and move on.

However, I have a few people in my life that I can really call ‘friends.’ I’m really not a girls girl, however, the few girl friends that I have are the relationship that I care the most about. No offense ladies, it is really hard to be friends with girls. I get along better with guys because there are ‘drama free’. I have girl cousins and it’s hard for me to be really close to them because I feel like they are judgmental and always criticizing about everything little thing. I only have 2 really close girl friends : (  I know that is sad, but its the truth.

Well, it was very refreshing to see my friend. It’s almost as if we were each others therapist. Also, it is nice to pick up where we left off with life. It kinda puts everything into perspective when we start talking about each others lives, or what has happened since the last time we saw each other.

I really missed my friend, she has been there for me throughout grad school. I had to really great friends in grad school, her and a guy friend. We were each others ‘safe space’ in our department. I was very luck to have them. I even dedicated a whole paragraph to them in my dissertation acknowledgements.

Downward Spiral

HI Folks,

Yet again, it’s been awhile since I posted my last blog. Alot of shit and drama went down since the last time I wrote. There are many things I learned, and sometimes things happen because they are suppose to happen (if that makes any sense). Where do I begin?

Let me start off with family:

I’ve become aware of how one’s own family can only damage you but they can really set you back. My brother, who I love dearly and I dedicated my last blog, is currently going through a dark phase in his life. If you read my last blog, you will have a better understanding of the situation. Recently, my brother and I had a fall out and we got to a point where we are no longer speaking to each other. To be honest, it hurts me to think my brother really hates me. If we were both a bit younger, it wouldn’t have bother me as much because we are young and stupid. However, we are both older and aware of things and sometimes saying hurtful things can really leave a mark on your heart. For the past several months or since moving back home, I learned alot of things about myself. For example, I will not let things get to me. Let me explain this, in the past, I would really try to make things better at any cost, to the point where it looks like I’m desparate to make things better. In other words, if someone is mad at me, I will make it my ultimate mission for that person, to no longer be mad at me. I would waste my time and energy, thinking of why that person is mad at me and what did I do. Even when it’s not even my fault. Now, how does this apply to my brother? Well, like I said he is going through a really dark time in his life now, to the point where he has blaming us (my parents and I) for his mishaps in his life. Mind you, my brother is in his 40s. He has been abusing medications and uses it as an excuse for his behavior towards us. It has gotten to the point where my mom has become depressed because she blames herself and she constantly worries about him (as any mother would). There were several times when brother did not have any money, so my parents and I would help him out. The icing on the cake is when he opened and used to of my mother’s credit cards and blew alot of money (one of her cards). I help my mom pay her credit cards bills and it is not fair that he blows money (in this case her credit cards) and does not have a care in the world. I have the right to be upset and so does my mom. Eventually, she confronted him about it and he got upset and does not take accountability of his actions. The part that gets to me is that he blames me for the FACT that my mom found out about him using her credit cards. So, my mom and I cancelled both of his cards and he was livid. He send alot of hurtful text message and asked me to no longer talk to him because of my actions towards him. So, now it has been 2 weeks since this event happened and I have not texted him back nor spoken to him. Do I feel bad? No, because I will no longer let other people damage me, I’m sick of it. I will not other dictate my feelings or my life. In the past, I would bend over backwards to have him not be mad at me but now, I honestly, don’t really give a fuck. I had enough. My mental state was very bad because he was really stressing me out and not only that I had to deal with my mom. So, that pretty much sums up my family life.

Phd- it’s been going bad. To the extent, it sickens me to talk about it. But now, I’m back on the horse and will try my best to get this degree done!!! I will write more about it tomorrow.

Health wise- it’s been going bad as well. All of this stress has taken it’s toll on me.

 

 

 

 

 

October Updates

Hi Folks!

I know it’s been awhile but I back. Hopefully, I can write more regularly this time.

A few things happened in the past few weeks:

  1. I went away with my boyfriend for a week and a half. I had the greatest time, who knew I loved micro breweries. It’s pretty popular in the Northwest, especially in Canada. I do not know what it is, but if I can describe it, it is like tasting something new, a drink you will not get anywhere else (unless it is commercialized ie. Budweiser ..ewwww). I’m a fan of light beer, however, let’s take a step back. I do not drink to get wasted, I enjoy a drink or two or three to get away from my regular working life and just enjoy the moment with whomever I am with. For example, we were hanging out with some of the locals, mind you, this is not your typical bars. For one thing, these bars did not have 100 tvs all over the place, did not have loud music, or rowdy people. It was a relaxed environment to socialize and just getaway from the bustling city. Anyways, I had a fun.
  2. I met with my adviser and things are coming along and the defense will be take place next month. FINALLY.
  3. I’ve been reading alot of novels, short stories, mysteries and thrillers ect. and I love it. I think I want to be a writer on my spare time. lol. I don’t know what it is, but I just love getting lost into some else’s world. I was looking into writing retreats and it just may be part of my bucket list.
  4. Family problems and it NEVER ends. This time is about money issues and as usual it comes down to my brother’s careless adventures and selfish decisions. Long story short, my dad and I have our savings and i am the only one with access to the account and I lent my brother some money, because he needed it to move into his new apartment. The first red flag is that if you cannot afford to move into your apartment, why would you rent one in the first place. Go figure. So, without my dad’s permission I took out money from the account and gave it to my brother because I felt bad and he kept bothering me ALOT. I wanted to help out. Six months passed and my brother never paid me back and my dad found out about me lending money to my brother and was furious. I wish I can do into depth but it’s a long story about why my brother and dad’s relationship. So, now my dad does not trust anymore with our savings and I’m pissed off at my brother because he put me into this position.
  5. Work is OK.
  6. I went to my doctor’s appointment and my physical health is bad, I’m like 2 cupcakes away from becoming a diabetic person. I was so good in the past, going to the gym and now I can barely stand going. However, I need to make drastic and healthy changes for my own good.

This is a brief update and will write back again tomorrow.