Actions Speak Louder than Words

Hi folks,

Actions speak louder and than words. A phrase that annoys the hell out of me, but it is true. We (mostly myself) tend to talk and plan alot but we do not follow through. However, this time I am. If I really want to see a change in my life from now on, this is the time to do it. Since, I royally fucked up in the past.

I will follow through:

  • Credit card debt– the action plan for this is to budget, stop using my credit cards, and plan out how to tackle down my credit card payments.
  • Student loans– the action plan for this is to pay more than the minimum.
  • Find a better paying job– the action for this is obvious, I need to do more job searching and I need to find a part time job.
    • I’ve already updated my resume and CV, and so far, I already have 1 major interview lined up. If I get that job, I should be set and be able to help out more.
  • Mental and physical health– the action plan for this is to:
    • Going to church during lunch time has helped me reflect about the past, present, and future. A block away from my job, there is a church, and just walking into the church, gives me a sense of reality relief and helps me reflect on myself. I recommend doing this. It gives you some peace of mind.
    • Eating healthier and going to the gym is the obvious action plan for physical health.
      • since, I’m budgeting, I’m bring lunch to work and staying away from starbucks : (

Funny how I always include my family in my list, but this time I am not. I can’t help them if I cannot help myself. This time I will follow through with this. My anxiety was out of control last week, it was really really bad due to credit card debt, student loans, and rent payments. So, I literally grabbed a book and wrote down all of my credit card balances and when I get a paycheck. I will explain my game plan on this in another blog, because I want to test it out first, and if it works then I will share it.

Honestly, I tell myself things could be alot worse than it is now. Just because I do not have a PhD, does not mean life stops. Yes, I didn’t get it, now I have to move on, and folks I am. I’m trying really hard, but sometimes I look back and say to myself, “you screwed up so bad and look at you now?! What makes you think you will do better?!”¬†Again, I will explain in another blog, about what really happened and how I faced my department about my experiences with my advisor.

Anyways, I’m trying.

Angry

I wish I can personally express to someone how I am feeling at this very moment.

I’m so angry the way my father is treated.

I’m so angry people can be so fucking arrogant and such assholes.

It’s been getting worse each day.

At times it is as if life is not fair, but nothing is fair. Can I have a minute to complain? I’m grateful for everything that I have, the bed I sleep in, the fact my parents have jobs (my dad has full-time job and my mom has a part-time job). I don’t mean to complain so much. But I wonder at times how does it feel to sleep peacefully? without worrying how your parents day is going to unfold the next day? I pray every day (literally) and every night that everything goes as smoothly as possible for my parents.

I wish I wouldn’t have to worry as much, but this takes me back when I was little kid. When I had to translate for my parents, I use to fear when my parents had to say something to someone and they wouldn’t understand. All of these fears keep creeping up on me again. Can I for once not worry about such things? I envy my peers and friends who don’t need to worry about such things.

Sorry people for writing such sad/angry blogs…but this is the way I feel now.

 

To my father

Hello papi

I wish I can say the following, personally to you, but I know I do not have the nerve to do so, because we will probably start crying.

I promise that we, you mom and I will be living in a nice home. One day, you will no longer carry that God forsaken phone of yours, and will not have to answer to a bunch of white, young, entitled, assholes.

I promise you will finally rest and do your favorite hobbies such as fixing things around the house, organizing your boxes, or preparing for the weekend markets.

I promise you won’t have to worry about tenants complaining about stupid shit, but I will always come to your rescue when they disrespect you.

I promise that we will all be sitting in our front porch drinking coffee or your favorite flavored waters and talk about how we survived the past and how this was all we ever wanted, a nice home.

I promise you will be happier with my mom and I when we get the hell out of this building and you will no longer be a superintendent to a bunch of assholes.

Don’t worry papi, just give me some time, and I will whisk you and mom away to a new a home. This I promise you.Thank you for your hard work and for your patience, papi.

love always.

Tu hija!