Sorry to deliver some bad news, but I didn’t pass my dissertation defense and ended up dropping out of graduate school. All of this happened about 7 or 8 months ago. I didn’t even have the courage to even write about all of this because I was in denial and in a really bad place, physically and emotionally. I let down alot of people, most importantly, I let down my family. I didn’t say anything to anyone, like friends, co-workers, and family outside my immediate family (aunts, uncles, and cousins). The only people who knew were my parents and my boss. I thought it would be tough writing this blog, but so far, I’m not crying or not as angry.
I was angry and ashamed of myself when all of this unfolded. Between dealing with issues at the home front (please read this blog: Updates) which included the following:
- My dad getting fired (please read: Angry & To my father)
- My dad getting a hip surgery (which is a good thing, because it was a long time coming)
- Finding a new home for myself and my parents (since my dad was a building superintendent, we lived in an apartment for free, but when he got fired we had to move out immediately).
- My brother’s addiction to pills (please read: Surviving Through Family Issues
- Preparing my dissertation defense
- Fighting for another chance for another dissertation defense with my department
- Work life
Thinking back, I don’t even think my mental state was good. Everything was a fog, I felt like I was fighting with life everyday but I kept telling myself ‘I will get through this…just defend the dissertation and everything will be ok.’ I was 100% sure that I was going to pass and graduate. I imagined myself walking down the aisle with my PhD robe and see my parents all dolled up and proud of their daughter. BUT I was was wrong, completely wrong. Between October 2016 through January 2017, I was living day by day, trying to survive my own life. I was constantly worried between my own problems with school and family issues. I was literally in the eye of the storm, every fucking day, between October 2016 and January 2017.
I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I want to truly believe that something good is going to come out of all this.
I’m currently dealing with the following:
- credit card debt
- student loans
- my mental and physical health
- trying to find part-time jobs for more income
- trying to find a better full time job for more income
I promise, I will try to write more, but this blog was my first step to tell the world that I do not have a PhD.
Thank you for reading.