2017 Updates

Hi Folks,

Sorry to deliver some bad news, but I didn’t pass my dissertation defense and ended up dropping out of graduate school. All of this happened about 7 or 8 months ago. I didn’t even have the courage to even write about all of this because I was in denial and in a really bad place, physically and emotionally. I let down alot of people, most importantly, I let down my family. I didn’t say anything to anyone, like friends, co-workers, and family outside my immediate family (aunts, uncles, and cousins). The only people who knew were my parents and my boss. I thought it would be tough writing this blog, but so far, I’m not crying or not as angry.

I was angry and ashamed of myself when all of this unfolded. Between dealing with issues at the home front (please read this blog: Updates) which included the following:

  1. My dad getting fired (please read: Angry  & To my father)
  2. My dad getting a hip surgery (which is a good thing, because it was a long time coming)
  3. Finding a new home for myself and my parents (since my dad was a building superintendent, we lived in an apartment for free, but when he got fired we had to move out immediately).
  4. My brother’s addiction to pills (please read: Surviving Through Family Issues 
  5. Preparing my dissertation defense
  6. Fighting for another chance for another dissertation defense with my department
  7. Work life

Thinking back, I don’t even think my mental state was good. Everything was a fog, I felt like I was fighting with life everyday but I kept telling myself ‘I will get through this…just defend the dissertation and everything will be ok.’ I was 100% sure that I was going to pass and graduate. I imagined myself walking down the aisle with my PhD robe and see my parents all dolled up and proud of their daughter. BUT I was was wrong, completely wrong. Between October 2016 through January 2017, I was living day by day, trying to survive my own life. I was constantly worried between my own problems with school and family issues. I was literally in the eye of the storm, every fucking day, between October 2016 and January 2017.

I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I want to truly believe that something good is going to come out of all this.

I’m currently dealing with the following:

  1. credit card debt
  2. student loans
  3. my mental and physical health
  4. trying to find part-time jobs for more income
  5. trying to find a better full time job for more income

I promise, I will try to write more, but this blog was my first step to tell the world that I do not have a PhD.

Thank you for reading.

 

Updates

Hi Folks,

Again, I’m sorry for not writing frequently. At this point, I should perhaps think about writing a book about my freaking life. I have both good and bad updates (mostly bad).

Let’s start off with the bad (let’s rip that band-aid):

  • Three months ago, my father got fired from his job. A total of 22 years of being a building superintendent. I will explain this in another blog. But we are OK. I can tell you that it was HELL. We went to court and had to find a place to live quick, despite the holidays.
  • My brother, went back to his old habits (addiction).
  • Grad school stuff was been the worse.
  • Job is ok, but I need the fucking degree to get promoted.

Good stuff:

  • My parents and I found a nice place to live. We are much happier.
  • I keep praying and my faith has really gotten me through the darkest days of my life.

Although my life of bad updates/stuff is longer than the good, all I can say that things could be worse. Financially, things are a bit tight, but I have faith my family and I will get through this.

2017, I really hope you can treat my family and I better. 2016 can kiss my ass!

I will try to write something tomorrow. But I really hope you guys/gals had a happy new year. Despite all these life setbacks, the only thing we can do is to move forward! As my parents say “tenemos que siguer adelante!”

I really missed blogging and I will try to this more frequently. Bye folks!

Angry

I wish I can personally express to someone how I am feeling at this very moment.

I’m so angry the way my father is treated.

I’m so angry people can be so fucking arrogant and such assholes.

It’s been getting worse each day.

At times it is as if life is not fair, but nothing is fair. Can I have a minute to complain? I’m grateful for everything that I have, the bed I sleep in, the fact my parents have jobs (my dad has full-time job and my mom has a part-time job). I don’t mean to complain so much. But I wonder at times how does it feel to sleep peacefully? without worrying how your parents day is going to unfold the next day? I pray every day (literally) and every night that everything goes as smoothly as possible for my parents.

I wish I wouldn’t have to worry as much, but this takes me back when I was little kid. When I had to translate for my parents, I use to fear when my parents had to say something to someone and they wouldn’t understand. All of these fears keep creeping up on me again. Can I for once not worry about such things? I envy my peers and friends who don’t need to worry about such things.

Sorry people for writing such sad/angry blogs…but this is the way I feel now.

 

To my father

Hello papi

I wish I can say the following, personally to you, but I know I do not have the nerve to do so, because we will probably start crying.

I promise that we, you mom and I will be living in a nice home. One day, you will no longer carry that God forsaken phone of yours, and will not have to answer to a bunch of white, young, entitled, assholes.

I promise you will finally rest and do your favorite hobbies such as fixing things around the house, organizing your boxes, or preparing for the weekend markets.

I promise you won’t have to worry about tenants complaining about stupid shit, but I will always come to your rescue when they disrespect you.

I promise that we will all be sitting in our front porch drinking coffee or your favorite flavored waters and talk about how we survived the past and how this was all we ever wanted, a nice home.

I promise you will be happier with my mom and I when we get the hell out of this building and you will no longer be a superintendent to a bunch of assholes.

Don’t worry papi, just give me some time, and I will whisk you and mom away to a new a home. This I promise you.Thank you for your hard work and for your patience, papi.

love always.

Tu hija!

 

Determined to keep going….

Hi Folks,

So my last blog was about not giving up on myself and I am determined to do that. I am not sure if I mentioned this, but I have a full-time job and a part-time graduate student. I am not taking classes though, I finished all of my course work and comps in the first two years of my grad program.

I am determined to keep going. I know other people are in worse situations and I shouldn’t give up. I will not. This is my year and I will take ownership of it and stop letting time pass me by. I have to do it for myself and family, even though they STRESS the hell out of me, but that is nothing new.

I will take care of myself better because I come first. As one of my professor told me and she lives by, “I have the RIGHT to my own LIFE.”

Can’t give up on myself….

Hi Folks,

I had a reflection earlier today, that I must not let life bring me down. God gave us a gift of life and sometimes things happen for a reason. I cannot let this bring me down. Alot of awful stuff happened throughout my adulthood and think it just never ends. Sometimes, I want to give up and just leave. I gained weight because when I depressed I tend to eat alot. I stopped going to the gym and I gave up life and began to keep going and going because I just have to. I feel like I lost myself. I see some of close friend’s success or pinnacle times of their lives (for example: finishing up articles, going to conferences, getting grants, or a tenure tracked position). Believe me, I do feel happy for them, but I can’t help to think of myself. I know it sounds selfish but I keep thinking “you have such a shitty life” or “your not good enough to make it”- I think this way because I gave up and I let myself go. I’m mad at myself because when I turn 35 or 40 or 50, I will look back and say “what the fuck did I do?”I can stop the cycle of self hatred now, but I feel like there is always something that will come along and create another hump.

I need to get a grip of my life and have that drive that I had before. The drive of accomplishing my goals of obtaining a PhD. I want to finish. I want to know how it feels like I accomplished something. I cannot be scared and I must face my fears along with all the bullshit that comes along with me and just keep going for the right reasons. I need ME to come back because I cannot allow my life to pass me by anymore. I need to take control of myself and of goals and dreams. I cannot let myself down.

There is nothing that I cannot deal with, I’ve been through hell and back. This should be no sweat? right? I need to do this.

Surviving Through Family Issues

Hi Folks,

I do not have surviving tips going through family issues, but I have experiences, and at this point, I think I may become a pro at this.

I do not know if this is a Latin/Hispanic culture (although I think it is) but family is overwhelming. Especially my family and mix that with trying to get your phd degree or going through college, becomes very stressful. I wish there would be a study about that. I believe my experiences between family issues and pursuing a phd degree has gotten to a point where I’m so overwhelmed and I’m so sick and tired of talking about it to my close friends and boyfriend. I am not sure if I am clear here, but I have gone through so much bullshit with my family and with my fucking degree, that at times, I think, why does this happen to me? Why must I deal with this? Why can’t things be as simple as this other person in my graduate program, who is married and is about to pop a kid? why can’t I  have great experiences as others do? I’m so tired of this.

Currently, my brother is an addict (prescription drugs and I wouldn’t be surprised with other stuff) and two days ago we found out that he stole some stuff from my parents bedroom. He was caught red handed through security cameras throughout our building. When I watched the cameras (yesterday) I couldn’t believe I was watching my brother carrying a bag filled with my parents things. The issue here, is that he has gotten to this very low point. I never thought my brother would steal, the stuff he stole is the least of things, but he must have been very desperate to do this. I’m not sure if I more mad that he denies all of this or that he is getting worse. We (my brother and I) stopped talking, because again, he was using my mom’s credit cards without her permission. I want to make something very clear, I PAY my mom’s credit cards because she is not working as much (she cleans houses for a living)- so she is only cleaning one house. My brother is living  in a very beautiful apartment, which I think he can no longer afford.

Anyways, what I am trying to get at, is why does this happen to me?? I have to deal with my mom, because of my brother’s actions, and she is emotionally draining me. She randomly cries, and I feel for her. That is her son and she suffers. We tried to help my brother, but it has gotten nowhere. He constantly lies but that is normal for an addict.

Now, tell me this, when do I have time to do something related to my dissertation or pursing my degree. I wish I had the means to move out, but that does not resolve the issues because I did that (when I did my master’s degree) and the same bullshit family problems follow me.

I have grown a thick skin, to a point where I do not care anymore. It is not fair that everyone else in my family had a great time when they were in their 30s and yet I have to have such a shitty life. This is not fair. why doesn’t anybody ask me how am I doing? I’m done trying to resolve my family’s problems, I love my parents but sometimes, I just need to take a break. So, what do I do? I just mentally and emotionally check out. I do not get involved anymore, and I’m doing this now with my brother. I probably regret it, because God forbid something happens, and I will look back and say “why didn’t do anything?” but if that happens, I cannot be held responsible for his actions. I do not mean to be selfish but sometimes you must to survive all of this.

Right now, I am sitting at my office on a Saturday trying to complete some revisions, because I cannot stand being at home. I will do this and I will get my phd degree, no matter what. I need to be stronger and get to my goal, because neither my parents or my brother are going to do that for me. I have to do it and I will.

Anyways, I hope I can write a better and positive blog next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Downward Spiral

HI Folks,

Yet again, it’s been awhile since I posted my last blog. Alot of shit and drama went down since the last time I wrote. There are many things I learned, and sometimes things happen because they are suppose to happen (if that makes any sense). Where do I begin?

Let me start off with family:

I’ve become aware of how one’s own family can only damage you but they can really set you back. My brother, who I love dearly and I dedicated my last blog, is currently going through a dark phase in his life. If you read my last blog, you will have a better understanding of the situation. Recently, my brother and I had a fall out and we got to a point where we are no longer speaking to each other. To be honest, it hurts me to think my brother really hates me. If we were both a bit younger, it wouldn’t have bother me as much because we are young and stupid. However, we are both older and aware of things and sometimes saying hurtful things can really leave a mark on your heart. For the past several months or since moving back home, I learned alot of things about myself. For example, I will not let things get to me. Let me explain this, in the past, I would really try to make things better at any cost, to the point where it looks like I’m desparate to make things better. In other words, if someone is mad at me, I will make it my ultimate mission for that person, to no longer be mad at me. I would waste my time and energy, thinking of why that person is mad at me and what did I do. Even when it’s not even my fault. Now, how does this apply to my brother? Well, like I said he is going through a really dark time in his life now, to the point where he has blaming us (my parents and I) for his mishaps in his life. Mind you, my brother is in his 40s. He has been abusing medications and uses it as an excuse for his behavior towards us. It has gotten to the point where my mom has become depressed because she blames herself and she constantly worries about him (as any mother would). There were several times when brother did not have any money, so my parents and I would help him out. The icing on the cake is when he opened and used to of my mother’s credit cards and blew alot of money (one of her cards). I help my mom pay her credit cards bills and it is not fair that he blows money (in this case her credit cards) and does not have a care in the world. I have the right to be upset and so does my mom. Eventually, she confronted him about it and he got upset and does not take accountability of his actions. The part that gets to me is that he blames me for the FACT that my mom found out about him using her credit cards. So, my mom and I cancelled both of his cards and he was livid. He send alot of hurtful text message and asked me to no longer talk to him because of my actions towards him. So, now it has been 2 weeks since this event happened and I have not texted him back nor spoken to him. Do I feel bad? No, because I will no longer let other people damage me, I’m sick of it. I will not other dictate my feelings or my life. In the past, I would bend over backwards to have him not be mad at me but now, I honestly, don’t really give a fuck. I had enough. My mental state was very bad because he was really stressing me out and not only that I had to deal with my mom. So, that pretty much sums up my family life.

Phd- it’s been going bad. To the extent, it sickens me to talk about it. But now, I’m back on the horse and will try my best to get this degree done!!! I will write more about it tomorrow.

Health wise- it’s been going bad as well. All of this stress has taken it’s toll on me.

 

 

 

 

 

October Updates

Hi Folks!

I know it’s been awhile but I back. Hopefully, I can write more regularly this time.

A few things happened in the past few weeks:

  1. I went away with my boyfriend for a week and a half. I had the greatest time, who knew I loved micro breweries. It’s pretty popular in the Northwest, especially in Canada. I do not know what it is, but if I can describe it, it is like tasting something new, a drink you will not get anywhere else (unless it is commercialized ie. Budweiser ..ewwww). I’m a fan of light beer, however, let’s take a step back. I do not drink to get wasted, I enjoy a drink or two or three to get away from my regular working life and just enjoy the moment with whomever I am with. For example, we were hanging out with some of the locals, mind you, this is not your typical bars. For one thing, these bars did not have 100 tvs all over the place, did not have loud music, or rowdy people. It was a relaxed environment to socialize and just getaway from the bustling city. Anyways, I had a fun.
  2. I met with my adviser and things are coming along and the defense will be take place next month. FINALLY.
  3. I’ve been reading alot of novels, short stories, mysteries and thrillers ect. and I love it. I think I want to be a writer on my spare time. lol. I don’t know what it is, but I just love getting lost into some else’s world. I was looking into writing retreats and it just may be part of my bucket list.
  4. Family problems and it NEVER ends. This time is about money issues and as usual it comes down to my brother’s careless adventures and selfish decisions. Long story short, my dad and I have our savings and i am the only one with access to the account and I lent my brother some money, because he needed it to move into his new apartment. The first red flag is that if you cannot afford to move into your apartment, why would you rent one in the first place. Go figure. So, without my dad’s permission I took out money from the account and gave it to my brother because I felt bad and he kept bothering me ALOT. I wanted to help out. Six months passed and my brother never paid me back and my dad found out about me lending money to my brother and was furious. I wish I can do into depth but it’s a long story about why my brother and dad’s relationship. So, now my dad does not trust anymore with our savings and I’m pissed off at my brother because he put me into this position.
  5. Work is OK.
  6. I went to my doctor’s appointment and my physical health is bad, I’m like 2 cupcakes away from becoming a diabetic person. I was so good in the past, going to the gym and now I can barely stand going. However, I need to make drastic and healthy changes for my own good.

This is a brief update and will write back again tomorrow.

Dad’s Bday

The weekend went smoothly. I helped out my parents with their small business they’ve had for over 15+ years. Although, I had to wake up early in the morning but it was all good. I’ve been getting better waking up in the mornings without having such an attitude or be in a really bad mood. I just sleep early (around 10:30PM) and when I wake up I feel nice and fresh, ready to conquer the day (let’s say 70% of the time).

Last night, my family and I celebrated my dad birthday and it was nice little gathering (just my parents, my brother and my cousin and her baby). We also watched the ‘Game of Thrones’ season finale, which by the way, I still can’t over how that show ended and now I have to wait another year to watch what happens next. I may have to read the book series.

I had this thought in my head about my parents because yesterday was my dad’s birthday. Sometimes, I wonder if my parents ever had any regrets with their decisions to stay in this country. I see them both working very hard and always have. It tears my heart apart when I see them busting their butts every single day. I can see some people say, “hey that’s life.” Yes, I agree to that to some extent, but I wonder if they are happy. When I started writing my blogs last year (October 2014), my mom was unemployed for almost 2 years and during that time her health took for a turn and I think she was depressed. Now she is back on her feet and she is happy to feel like she is needed and can contribute to the family. My father on the other hand, has worked non-stop, every single day. Monday through Fridays- he is a superintendent and on the weekends he works on his business and my mom and I both help out on the weekends too. The guy barely relaxes (that is why he loves going to the recreation) and I wish I can make things better for him and my mom. If someone gave me wish right now and asked me what I wanted the most at this very moment/second, I’d honestly say “I want a home for my parents.” I would also like my father to stop working as a superintendent. My parents has sacrificed a lot for me, and look where I am at now, not even done with my PhD and just started working. It’s neither a good or bad thing, but it is not where I want to be in my life right now. I wish I had the means to help my parents out, so they can enjoy their lives and finally relax. If you read my past blogs, you can really tell that I am very close to my parents. We only have each other. But I am trying folks. I really am. I wonder if there will ever be time when we can just be happy. I know there are worse things out there and I’m sure others are going through so much worse. But when is it enough?

I was reading a few blogs last night and it reminds me that others have it 10 times worse than what I do. I should appreciate I even have my parents and that they have me. I know it seems like I complain a lot, but it’s just a way for me to vent. I really hope I can get them a nice house.

But in order to get there, or at least close enough to that goal, I have to finish the damn dissertation.