Can’t give up on myself….

Hi Folks,

I had a reflection earlier today, that I must not let life bring me down. God gave us a gift of life and sometimes things happen for a reason. I cannot let this bring me down. Alot of awful stuff happened throughout my adulthood and think it just never ends. Sometimes, I want to give up and just leave. I gained weight because when I depressed I tend to eat alot. I stopped going to the gym and I gave up life and began to keep going and going because I just have to. I feel like I lost myself. I see some of close friend’s success or pinnacle times of their lives (for example: finishing up articles, going to conferences, getting grants, or a tenure tracked position). Believe me, I do feel happy for them, but I can’t help to think of myself. I know it sounds selfish but I keep thinking “you have such a shitty life” or “your not good enough to make it”- I think this way because I gave up and I let myself go. I’m mad at myself because when I turn 35 or 40 or 50, I will look back and say “what the fuck did I do?”I can stop the cycle of self hatred now, but I feel like there is always something that will come along and create another hump.

I need to get a grip of my life and have that drive that I had before. The drive of accomplishing my goals of obtaining a PhD. I want to finish. I want to know how it feels like I accomplished something. I cannot be scared and I must face my fears along with all the bullshit that comes along with me and just keep going for the right reasons. I need ME to come back because I cannot allow my life to pass me by anymore. I need to take control of myself and of goals and dreams. I cannot let myself down.

There is nothing that I cannot deal with, I’ve been through hell and back. This should be no sweat? right? I need to do this.

Advertisements

Surviving Through Family Issues

Hi Folks,

I do not have surviving tips going through family issues, but I have experiences, and at this point, I think I may become a pro at this.

I do not know if this is a Latin/Hispanic culture (although I think it is) but family is overwhelming. Especially my family and mix that with trying to get your phd degree or going through college, becomes very stressful. I wish there would be a study about that. I believe my experiences between family issues and pursuing a phd degree has gotten to a point where I’m so overwhelmed and I’m so sick and tired of talking about it to my close friends and boyfriend. I am not sure if I am clear here, but I have gone through so much bullshit with my family and with my fucking degree, that at times, I think, why does this happen to me? Why must I deal with this? Why can’t things be as simple as this other person in my graduate program, who is married and is about to pop a kid? why can’t I  have great experiences as others do? I’m so tired of this.

Currently, my brother is an addict (prescription drugs and I wouldn’t be surprised with other stuff) and two days ago we found out that he stole some stuff from my parents bedroom. He was caught red handed through security cameras throughout our building. When I watched the cameras (yesterday) I couldn’t believe I was watching my brother carrying a bag filled with my parents things. The issue here, is that he has gotten to this very low point. I never thought my brother would steal, the stuff he stole is the least of things, but he must have been very desperate to do this. I’m not sure if I more mad that he denies all of this or that he is getting worse. We (my brother and I) stopped talking, because again, he was using my mom’s credit cards without her permission. I want to make something very clear, I PAY my mom’s credit cards because she is not working as much (she cleans houses for a living)- so she is only cleaning one house. My brother is living  in a very beautiful apartment, which I think he can no longer afford.

Anyways, what I am trying to get at, is why does this happen to me?? I have to deal with my mom, because of my brother’s actions, and she is emotionally draining me. She randomly cries, and I feel for her. That is her son and she suffers. We tried to help my brother, but it has gotten nowhere. He constantly lies but that is normal for an addict.

Now, tell me this, when do I have time to do something related to my dissertation or pursing my degree. I wish I had the means to move out, but that does not resolve the issues because I did that (when I did my master’s degree) and the same bullshit family problems follow me.

I have grown a thick skin, to a point where I do not care anymore. It is not fair that everyone else in my family had a great time when they were in their 30s and yet I have to have such a shitty life. This is not fair. why doesn’t anybody ask me how am I doing? I’m done trying to resolve my family’s problems, I love my parents but sometimes, I just need to take a break. So, what do I do? I just mentally and emotionally check out. I do not get involved anymore, and I’m doing this now with my brother. I probably regret it, because God forbid something happens, and I will look back and say “why didn’t do anything?” but if that happens, I cannot be held responsible for his actions. I do not mean to be selfish but sometimes you must to survive all of this.

Right now, I am sitting at my office on a Saturday trying to complete some revisions, because I cannot stand being at home. I will do this and I will get my phd degree, no matter what. I need to be stronger and get to my goal, because neither my parents or my brother are going to do that for me. I have to do it and I will.

Anyways, I hope I can write a better and positive blog next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Downward Spiral

HI Folks,

Yet again, it’s been awhile since I posted my last blog. Alot of shit and drama went down since the last time I wrote. There are many things I learned, and sometimes things happen because they are suppose to happen (if that makes any sense). Where do I begin?

Let me start off with family:

I’ve become aware of how one’s own family can only damage you but they can really set you back. My brother, who I love dearly and I dedicated my last blog, is currently going through a dark phase in his life. If you read my last blog, you will have a better understanding of the situation. Recently, my brother and I had a fall out and we got to a point where we are no longer speaking to each other. To be honest, it hurts me to think my brother really hates me. If we were both a bit younger, it wouldn’t have bother me as much because we are young and stupid. However, we are both older and aware of things and sometimes saying hurtful things can really leave a mark on your heart. For the past several months or since moving back home, I learned alot of things about myself. For example, I will not let things get to me. Let me explain this, in the past, I would really try to make things better at any cost, to the point where it looks like I’m desparate to make things better. In other words, if someone is mad at me, I will make it my ultimate mission for that person, to no longer be mad at me. I would waste my time and energy, thinking of why that person is mad at me and what did I do. Even when it’s not even my fault. Now, how does this apply to my brother? Well, like I said he is going through a really dark time in his life now, to the point where he has blaming us (my parents and I) for his mishaps in his life. Mind you, my brother is in his 40s. He has been abusing medications and uses it as an excuse for his behavior towards us. It has gotten to the point where my mom has become depressed because she blames herself and she constantly worries about him (as any mother would). There were several times when brother did not have any money, so my parents and I would help him out. The icing on the cake is when he opened and used to of my mother’s credit cards and blew alot of money (one of her cards). I help my mom pay her credit cards bills and it is not fair that he blows money (in this case her credit cards) and does not have a care in the world. I have the right to be upset and so does my mom. Eventually, she confronted him about it and he got upset and does not take accountability of his actions. The part that gets to me is that he blames me for the FACT that my mom found out about him using her credit cards. So, my mom and I cancelled both of his cards and he was livid. He send alot of hurtful text message and asked me to no longer talk to him because of my actions towards him. So, now it has been 2 weeks since this event happened and I have not texted him back nor spoken to him. Do I feel bad? No, because I will no longer let other people damage me, I’m sick of it. I will not other dictate my feelings or my life. In the past, I would bend over backwards to have him not be mad at me but now, I honestly, don’t really give a fuck. I had enough. My mental state was very bad because he was really stressing me out and not only that I had to deal with my mom. So, that pretty much sums up my family life.

Phd- it’s been going bad. To the extent, it sickens me to talk about it. But now, I’m back on the horse and will try my best to get this degree done!!! I will write more about it tomorrow.

Health wise- it’s been going bad as well. All of this stress has taken it’s toll on me.

 

 

 

 

 

To my brother…..

Hi Folks,

Well, it seems like my life is like one of those reality tv shows, where you keep asking yourself “what the hell is wrong with these people?!”, however, take that to the whole new level with dramatic Hispanic characters and then you will say “What the fuck?!”

So, where do I begin? My brother just admitted to me that he is addicted to pill medications (I think that is what you call it). To be honest and I know this may sound mean, but I saw this coming and I was not surprise. However, my parents were shocked and my mother always viewed my brother as this ‘saint’ and who never does anything wrong. Long and behold, her star child is a wreck. Once again, I am not happy about this, but I am not surprised, because I knew there was something not right about him. I saw some red flags in the past few weeks and already I thought he was somewhat off. I feel bad for my brother because I know deep down he does not like the feeling of others being ‘disappointed’ in him. In the past and I believe if you read some of my past blogs, he has really put me and my parents through really tough times. Money issues being one of the problems, where there were times when he did not have any money, and he made my parents and I feel guilty or bad about him. In other words, he would make us feel bad for his personal issues and made us feel as if we were the ones to be blame for his problems. When in fact, he was the one hurting us and putting us in weird situations. He was not the brother who I thought he was, every time he was angry at us he would go through this destructive behavior. I believe this was when things were going downhill for him.

I was unable to understand him and why he is the way he is (not sure if this makes sense)? I thought to myself ‘this selfish asshole’ always fucking up and hurting my mom mentally and emotionally. There was a point, I couldn’t be around my brother and I just completely avoid him. Every time he texted or called me, I would cringe because I just did not want to deal with him. Throughout these ‘downhill’ times within my family, I somewhat developed this ‘wall’ where I would hold myself back or just take step back as a whirlwind of drama goes by. In the past, I’d get completely involved and try to fix things whenever an a problem or an issue would arise. Recently, my views or reactions to problem and issues is vastly different now compared to the past.

When I was in graduate school I use to see a therapist (by the way… there is nothing wrong with that). Throughout my sessions, I learn to not negatively react to situations that are out of my control. I would not let the ‘issue’ take control over me and stress me out. Instead I would decided whether or not to get involved or to calmly assess the situation.  So, in this recent case with my brother, I decided not to ‘fix’ his problems and instead I listened to his issues. It was very difficult because I would either verbally say this or say this in my head, ‘get over your shit’ or ‘get it together’ or ‘OMG are you going through manopause???’ (the last one was very immature of me). So, in a way I made my brother feel terrible about himself. Mind you, I work every day and wake up every day at 6 A.M. and my attitude is ‘listen, get your life together because we ALL go through shit! and that is life!’

I feel bad for my mom because she feels for him, like any other mother would for their son or daughter who are going through a very difficult time. Just a few days ago my brother built up the courage to tell my father and I about the root of all of his issues. He was sexually abused by two male family members on my mother’s side when he was 9 years old. When he said this to me and my father, I broke down and cried. My mother was perhaps 20 feet away from us (my brother, father and I) and she was asleep on the couch. I had all sorts of emotions go through me when he told me about his secret. My father was shocked (fyi…my father is my brother’s step-father). I could not stop crying because all I can think of is my brother when he was 9 years old losing his innocence and what kind of sick bastards and scums would do this to a 9 year old. They have absolutely no excuse! I was sad, mad, angry, and guilty. Yes, guilty for not being there for my brother when he as going through this alone. I felt bad for telling my brother ‘to get over his shit’ or ‘to go back to work’ ect. I felt horrible, I wanted to crawl out of my skin and into my bed, but I cannot imagine how my brother felt. He was crying out for help and all I kept thinking about ‘what a selfish asshole’. As I am typing this blog, I feel ashamed and the worst sister in the world. I cannot take back my words from my brother and I asked for his forgiveness but at the same time he needed help.

Folks, please do not judge me as you read my blog, but just a second and give thanks, because at the end of the day, family is all we have in this sick world. Appreciate your family, your mom, dad, brother, or sister, ect. Embrace them and don’t judge them too quickly because underneath it all, there is a reason and whatever that reason is or whatever that problem is, just know they have someone there by their side. I regret for being an asshole to my brother but at the same time I didn’t know, what I could have done is asked him if he was OK or if there was something he needed to talk to me about. I love my brother with all my heart.

I will write in the next blog about what has happened since…

Phew, I feel so much better writing because it was alot that I have to vent out.

 

 

October Updates

Hi Folks!

I know it’s been awhile but I back. Hopefully, I can write more regularly this time.

A few things happened in the past few weeks:

  1. I went away with my boyfriend for a week and a half. I had the greatest time, who knew I loved micro breweries. It’s pretty popular in the Northwest, especially in Canada. I do not know what it is, but if I can describe it, it is like tasting something new, a drink you will not get anywhere else (unless it is commercialized ie. Budweiser ..ewwww). I’m a fan of light beer, however, let’s take a step back. I do not drink to get wasted, I enjoy a drink or two or three to get away from my regular working life and just enjoy the moment with whomever I am with. For example, we were hanging out with some of the locals, mind you, this is not your typical bars. For one thing, these bars did not have 100 tvs all over the place, did not have loud music, or rowdy people. It was a relaxed environment to socialize and just getaway from the bustling city. Anyways, I had a fun.
  2. I met with my adviser and things are coming along and the defense will be take place next month. FINALLY.
  3. I’ve been reading alot of novels, short stories, mysteries and thrillers ect. and I love it. I think I want to be a writer on my spare time. lol. I don’t know what it is, but I just love getting lost into some else’s world. I was looking into writing retreats and it just may be part of my bucket list.
  4. Family problems and it NEVER ends. This time is about money issues and as usual it comes down to my brother’s careless adventures and selfish decisions. Long story short, my dad and I have our savings and i am the only one with access to the account and I lent my brother some money, because he needed it to move into his new apartment. The first red flag is that if you cannot afford to move into your apartment, why would you rent one in the first place. Go figure. So, without my dad’s permission I took out money from the account and gave it to my brother because I felt bad and he kept bothering me ALOT. I wanted to help out. Six months passed and my brother never paid me back and my dad found out about me lending money to my brother and was furious. I wish I can do into depth but it’s a long story about why my brother and dad’s relationship. So, now my dad does not trust anymore with our savings and I’m pissed off at my brother because he put me into this position.
  5. Work is OK.
  6. I went to my doctor’s appointment and my physical health is bad, I’m like 2 cupcakes away from becoming a diabetic person. I was so good in the past, going to the gym and now I can barely stand going. However, I need to make drastic and healthy changes for my own good.

This is a brief update and will write back again tomorrow.

Following Through your Goals

Hi Folks,

So, I have 2 more days left to submit my dissertation to my advisor..ahhhh!!! It’s coming together. I know I can do this. Last night’s blog ‘Destroy Fear’ (I know the title was a bit dramatic) helped me put my thoughts down and pinpoint what exactly was bothering me. Basically, it came down to fear of failing. Well, I already squash that and faced my barrier of ‘fear’, I just need to take a deep breathe and just do it. I will NEVER know how things will turn out until I actually do it. So, in terms of my situation, I will never know what will happen until I submit my dissertation to my advisor. I need to just pull that band-aid off and just face reality

I know I can do it! I know I can pass this! this is my work and I worked so hard on this. Therefore, follow through your goals, and don’t let fear consume you and get in the way of your goals.

Let’s see how this roller coaster ride goes and let’s see where it takes me.

Destroy Fear!

Well today I tried very hard not to waste time and just follow through with my goals. It was very difficult because I just want this whole thing (graduate school life) to end already. But all I need to do is just finish this damn dissertation. It almost there and I’m trying very hard to fight this fucking procrastination. I wish I can just sit down and just do it. My attention is span is very short and I will do everything and anything to avoid doing the dissertation. The more I think about the more I waste time. I think I’m just scared and therefore by holding on to it (dissertation) delays my committee from judging me or criticizing me. I take criticism very badly because I start to think about how stupid I am or I should have known that or I should have said this or I’m not good enough. That is how I felt when I met with my committee last semester. I just think I’m not capable of being like them, I need to find it within me. I was never like this, believe it or not. When I did my Master thesis and when I defended it, it was one of the best days of my life. I truly felt like a scholar and it gave me the biggest confidence booster when I passed. My Master thesis was my life, day and night, and I wanted to get it done and I had passion. I literally would wake up every morning at 5AM and I would get ready and head to the library with my laptop and started writing. I can’t understand why I can’t do that for my dissertation or why I haven’t been doing that in the past. I’m afraid of rejection, I’m afraid of being laughed at or mocked, I’m afraid of not passing. This fucking fear is getting in my way of achieving my goal. I need to destroy this fear and just fucking do it.

Don’t Give up!

Purpose: Don’t give up on your hopes and dreams. Keep going!!!!

Hi Folks! sorry for the LONG delay from blogging. I promise, I will try to keep up. It has helped me in the past when I kept blogging on a daily basis, but I forgot why I stopped. I have a few drafts that I kept storing and never found the time to finish writing, but I chose this particularly draft, because I wrote it during a time when I felt very helpless and just another rock of turmoil and bullshit thrown at me.

Update (2 months ago-This draft was written in July):

Well, no good news. I wish I can say things are OK or better, but my family and I are currently in a standstill at the moment. My dad heard from a co-worker that the company plans to move him to a different building(s), meaning that, my family and I would have to move. Where? I do not have a clue yet. My dad tells me this yesterday, while I’m at work, and then I start to FREAK out because this is the LAST thing I need to deal with. My mom is trying to be positive about this and supportive, and so am I, but it gets to a point when I start to think ‘when is it enough??!’. When can I catch a break?? There is always something that always tries to bring me and my family down. Especially me, I feel like I never catch a break in my academic and social life. It’s very hard to say this, but my dad cannot continue to work at his current job, because he is struggling to keep up. He does not admit to this but it is very true. His phone does constantly ringing either because it is a phone call, an email, or a text message or a voicemail. He is harassed by the tenants because they hate the new management company and the first person who they take it out on is my father. I know this is part of this job, but this is not life or a healthy working environment for him. The sad part, is that he just takes it, he does it for my us. He can get hurt by falling but the man will get up and continue to work. This is not the way to live life and it is unfair.

My mom and I want my dad to stop working at his job, but he wants to wait it out until we are able to purchase a home. Speaking of buying a home, which I’m sure you all know, is not EASY. It takes time and research. However, my parents depend too much on me to do this and I do not have time. I wake up every morning at 6:30 AM for work and come back home around 7 PM. I then go to the gym because it is the only time of the day to have some ME time. Then I try to do some dissertation work and pass out afterwards.******

Family Update (today):

It was pretty tough reading the above draft that I written 2 months ago. I was very angry and helpless. Today, I saw a therapist because I feel like my ability to focus and just concentrate on myself has taken a turn for the worse. I have until Friday to hand in my edited dissertation and today is Monday, Sept 28. I feel like if I just concentrate and put my all into it, I can definitely make the deadline, but for some reason I can’t. I know it sounds stupid and so immature, but I feel like I’m not allowing myself to move forward. I spoke to my therapist about it today and he said that I am showing him signs of depression. To be honest, I feel depressed. I feel like my family brings me down, even though I love them so much, and I’m just hard on myself. I was happy that I was able to have a conversation with someone instead of just badly judging and hurting myself. When I say hurting myself, I do not mean physically (so no worries) but I hurt myself mentally and emotionally. For example, I am an emotional eater and I will eat eat eat because it satisfy this emptiness that I have, I won’t go the gym (even though, I know it makes me feel better after a great workout, I refuse to go), or I distance myself from everybody. I have written so many ‘TO DO’ lists and I probably only followed through less than 3 lists. Also, 2 months ago, I was going to the gym constantly and now I barely go. I’d rather stay in my room and I keep telling myself, ‘yea just rest and then you will work on your dissertation..just rest’ and next thing you know it’s already 11PM. It a sick cycle and I have been in this funk for the past 2 months. It’s so bad that it has been negatively affecting me.

I can’t even go into my family because it will only bring me down. I will write about them in another blog. I will try not to give up on myself and will keep going even stupid obstacles.

I will try to check in tomorrow!

Writing Routine

Sorry for the delayed posting, I’ve been so busy at work and home. I cannot even catch a break sometimes. I will give you some updates and then I will discuss about writing.

Family Updates

My dad keeps getting injured at his job lately. Sometimes I think he is lies to me when I ask him how his day was, and usually I get a half smile and he says ‘everything is ok, just had to get things fixed.’ The other day, I can tell when my dad is stressed out or just had it, I called him during my lunch break and I can tell by his voice that he has had it. He told me that, everyone keeps calling him and by the time he gets started on something, something else comes up or some tenants are complaining about something ect. There are other days when everything is going pretty ok for him, when nobody calls him. I know I should be happy that at least he has a job, but I know he is not happy at all. I don’t really want to get into this, but I blame myself sometimes.

My brother finally moved into this apartment. I’m so happy only because I feel like i have more space in my home. I don’t feel all stressed out and angry. I actually look forward to going home after work. My parents feel better, like the whole apartment feels so much differently now that brother moved out. I love my brother, but I just need my space. He found a partner, which I’m soo happy for him.

My mom is going strong with her health and jobs. She works everyday as a housekeeper and she loves all of her jobs.

Writing Routine (the meat of the blog)

Writing my blogs daily (or at least I try to) has really helped me to get over the fear of writing. I’m sure some of you have felt that way before. When you see a blank sheet in front of you and that black little stick is blinking. To be honest, I still have some fears but slowly, I’ve been shedding that fear away by just constantly writing.

For the past two weeks, my boss asked me to put together an article for our journal. For of all, this is a great opportunity, only because this is my first time writing an article for a real journal. So, for the past two weeks, I’ve been writing like a maniac, the article is also a part of my dissertation edits. In a way, this works out well because I’m writing a part of my dissertation.

My writing routine includes the following:

1. before I even start on anything, I pray (I know this sounds cheesy, but I really do)

2. quickly check my emails (I try to not spend too much time on this)

3. I shut my office door 

4. Stretch for a bit to get the juices flowing 

5. I make sure I have my water bottle filled, sometimes I have an extra water bottle, or if I’m in a mood for some coffee, I will have my coffee ready

6. I open my document and re-read the whole article before typing (this really helps because I make sure I know everything from left to right)

7. Then I begin to write and don’t stop until I need I break* 

*Make sure you take QUICK breaks whenever you write. My breaks include taking a short walk around the office hallways, bathroom break, or start stretching 

I will try to post a blog tomorrow.