I had a reflection earlier today, that I must not let life bring me down. God gave us a gift of life and sometimes things happen for a reason. I cannot let this bring me down. Alot of awful stuff happened throughout my adulthood and think it just never ends. Sometimes, I want to give up and just leave. I gained weight because when I depressed I tend to eat alot. I stopped going to the gym and I gave up life and began to keep going and going because I just have to. I feel like I lost myself. I see some of close friend’s success or pinnacle times of their lives (for example: finishing up articles, going to conferences, getting grants, or a tenure tracked position). Believe me, I do feel happy for them, but I can’t help to think of myself. I know it sounds selfish but I keep thinking “you have such a shitty life” or “your not good enough to make it”- I think this way because I gave up and I let myself go. I’m mad at myself because when I turn 35 or 40 or 50, I will look back and say “what the fuck did I do?”I can stop the cycle of self hatred now, but I feel like there is always something that will come along and create another hump.
I need to get a grip of my life and have that drive that I had before. The drive of accomplishing my goals of obtaining a PhD. I want to finish. I want to know how it feels like I accomplished something. I cannot be scared and I must face my fears along with all the bullshit that comes along with me and just keep going for the right reasons. I need ME to come back because I cannot allow my life to pass me by anymore. I need to take control of myself and of goals and dreams. I cannot let myself down.
There is nothing that I cannot deal with, I’ve been through hell and back. This should be no sweat? right? I need to do this.