Determined to keep going….

Hi Folks,

So my last blog was about not giving up on myself and I am determined to do that. I am not sure if I mentioned this, but I have a full-time job and a part-time graduate student. I am not taking classes though, I finished all of my course work and comps in the first two years of my grad program.

I am determined to keep going. I know other people are in worse situations and I shouldn’t give up. I will not. This is my year and I will take ownership of it and stop letting time pass me by. I have to do it for myself and family, even though they STRESS the hell out of me, but that is nothing new.

I will take care of myself better because I come first. As one of my professor told me and she lives by, “I have the RIGHT to my own LIFE.”

Can’t give up on myself….

Hi Folks,

I had a reflection earlier today, that I must not let life bring me down. God gave us a gift of life and sometimes things happen for a reason. I cannot let this bring me down. Alot of awful stuff happened throughout my adulthood and think it just never ends. Sometimes, I want to give up and just leave. I gained weight because when I depressed I tend to eat alot. I stopped going to the gym and I gave up life and began to keep going and going because I just have to. I feel like I lost myself. I see some of close friend’s success or pinnacle times of their lives (for example: finishing up articles, going to conferences, getting grants, or a tenure tracked position). Believe me, I do feel happy for them, but I can’t help to think of myself. I know it sounds selfish but I keep thinking “you have such a shitty life” or “your not good enough to make it”- I think this way because I gave up and I let myself go. I’m mad at myself because when I turn 35 or 40 or 50, I will look back and say “what the fuck did I do?”I can stop the cycle of self hatred now, but I feel like there is always something that will come along and create another hump.

I need to get a grip of my life and have that drive that I had before. The drive of accomplishing my goals of obtaining a PhD. I want to finish. I want to know how it feels like I accomplished something. I cannot be scared and I must face my fears along with all the bullshit that comes along with me and just keep going for the right reasons. I need ME to come back because I cannot allow my life to pass me by anymore. I need to take control of myself and of goals and dreams. I cannot let myself down.

There is nothing that I cannot deal with, I’ve been through hell and back. This should be no sweat? right? I need to do this.

Surviving Through Family Issues

Hi Folks,

I do not have surviving tips going through family issues, but I have experiences, and at this point, I think I may become a pro at this.

I do not know if this is a Latin/Hispanic culture (although I think it is) but family is overwhelming. Especially my family and mix that with trying to get your phd degree or going through college, becomes very stressful. I wish there would be a study about that. I believe my experiences between family issues and pursuing a phd degree has gotten to a point where I’m so overwhelmed and I’m so sick and tired of talking about it to my close friends and boyfriend. I am not sure if I am clear here, but I have gone through so much bullshit with my family and with my fucking degree, that at times, I think, why does this happen to me? Why must I deal with this? Why can’t things be as simple as this other person in my graduate program, who is married and is about to pop a kid? why can’t I  have great experiences as others do? I’m so tired of this.

Currently, my brother is an addict (prescription drugs and I wouldn’t be surprised with other stuff) and two days ago we found out that he stole some stuff from my parents bedroom. He was caught red handed through security cameras throughout our building. When I watched the cameras (yesterday) I couldn’t believe I was watching my brother carrying a bag filled with my parents things. The issue here, is that he has gotten to this very low point. I never thought my brother would steal, the stuff he stole is the least of things, but he must have been very desperate to do this. I’m not sure if I more mad that he denies all of this or that he is getting worse. We (my brother and I) stopped talking, because again, he was using my mom’s credit cards without her permission. I want to make something very clear, I PAY my mom’s credit cards because she is not working as much (she cleans houses for a living)- so she is only cleaning one house. My brother is living  in a very beautiful apartment, which I think he can no longer afford.

Anyways, what I am trying to get at, is why does this happen to me?? I have to deal with my mom, because of my brother’s actions, and she is emotionally draining me. She randomly cries, and I feel for her. That is her son and she suffers. We tried to help my brother, but it has gotten nowhere. He constantly lies but that is normal for an addict.

Now, tell me this, when do I have time to do something related to my dissertation or pursing my degree. I wish I had the means to move out, but that does not resolve the issues because I did that (when I did my master’s degree) and the same bullshit family problems follow me.

I have grown a thick skin, to a point where I do not care anymore. It is not fair that everyone else in my family had a great time when they were in their 30s and yet I have to have such a shitty life. This is not fair. why doesn’t anybody ask me how am I doing? I’m done trying to resolve my family’s problems, I love my parents but sometimes, I just need to take a break. So, what do I do? I just mentally and emotionally check out. I do not get involved anymore, and I’m doing this now with my brother. I probably regret it, because God forbid something happens, and I will look back and say “why didn’t do anything?” but if that happens, I cannot be held responsible for his actions. I do not mean to be selfish but sometimes you must to survive all of this.

Right now, I am sitting at my office on a Saturday trying to complete some revisions, because I cannot stand being at home. I will do this and I will get my phd degree, no matter what. I need to be stronger and get to my goal, because neither my parents or my brother are going to do that for me. I have to do it and I will.

Anyways, I hope I can write a better and positive blog next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Downward Spiral

HI Folks,

Yet again, it’s been awhile since I posted my last blog. Alot of shit and drama went down since the last time I wrote. There are many things I learned, and sometimes things happen because they are suppose to happen (if that makes any sense). Where do I begin?

Let me start off with family:

I’ve become aware of how one’s own family can only damage you but they can really set you back. My brother, who I love dearly and I dedicated my last blog, is currently going through a dark phase in his life. If you read my last blog, you will have a better understanding of the situation. Recently, my brother and I had a fall out and we got to a point where we are no longer speaking to each other. To be honest, it hurts me to think my brother really hates me. If we were both a bit younger, it wouldn’t have bother me as much because we are young and stupid. However, we are both older and aware of things and sometimes saying hurtful things can really leave a mark on your heart. For the past several months or since moving back home, I learned alot of things about myself. For example, I will not let things get to me. Let me explain this, in the past, I would really try to make things better at any cost, to the point where it looks like I’m desparate to make things better. In other words, if someone is mad at me, I will make it my ultimate mission for that person, to no longer be mad at me. I would waste my time and energy, thinking of why that person is mad at me and what did I do. Even when it’s not even my fault. Now, how does this apply to my brother? Well, like I said he is going through a really dark time in his life now, to the point where he has blaming us (my parents and I) for his mishaps in his life. Mind you, my brother is in his 40s. He has been abusing medications and uses it as an excuse for his behavior towards us. It has gotten to the point where my mom has become depressed because she blames herself and she constantly worries about him (as any mother would). There were several times when brother did not have any money, so my parents and I would help him out. The icing on the cake is when he opened and used to of my mother’s credit cards and blew alot of money (one of her cards). I help my mom pay her credit cards bills and it is not fair that he blows money (in this case her credit cards) and does not have a care in the world. I have the right to be upset and so does my mom. Eventually, she confronted him about it and he got upset and does not take accountability of his actions. The part that gets to me is that he blames me for the FACT that my mom found out about him using her credit cards. So, my mom and I cancelled both of his cards and he was livid. He send alot of hurtful text message and asked me to no longer talk to him because of my actions towards him. So, now it has been 2 weeks since this event happened and I have not texted him back nor spoken to him. Do I feel bad? No, because I will no longer let other people damage me, I’m sick of it. I will not other dictate my feelings or my life. In the past, I would bend over backwards to have him not be mad at me but now, I honestly, don’t really give a fuck. I had enough. My mental state was very bad because he was really stressing me out and not only that I had to deal with my mom. So, that pretty much sums up my family life.

Phd- it’s been going bad. To the extent, it sickens me to talk about it. But now, I’m back on the horse and will try my best to get this degree done!!! I will write more about it tomorrow.

Health wise- it’s been going bad as well. All of this stress has taken it’s toll on me.