Well, it seems like my life is like one of those reality tv shows, where you keep asking yourself “what the hell is wrong with these people?!”, however, take that to the whole new level with dramatic Hispanic characters and then you will say “What the fuck?!”
So, where do I begin? My brother just admitted to me that he is addicted to pill medications (I think that is what you call it). To be honest and I know this may sound mean, but I saw this coming and I was not surprise. However, my parents were shocked and my mother always viewed my brother as this ‘saint’ and who never does anything wrong. Long and behold, her star child is a wreck. Once again, I am not happy about this, but I am not surprised, because I knew there was something not right about him. I saw some red flags in the past few weeks and already I thought he was somewhat off. I feel bad for my brother because I know deep down he does not like the feeling of others being ‘disappointed’ in him. In the past and I believe if you read some of my past blogs, he has really put me and my parents through really tough times. Money issues being one of the problems, where there were times when he did not have any money, and he made my parents and I feel guilty or bad about him. In other words, he would make us feel bad for his personal issues and made us feel as if we were the ones to be blame for his problems. When in fact, he was the one hurting us and putting us in weird situations. He was not the brother who I thought he was, every time he was angry at us he would go through this destructive behavior. I believe this was when things were going downhill for him.
I was unable to understand him and why he is the way he is (not sure if this makes sense)? I thought to myself ‘this selfish asshole’ always fucking up and hurting my mom mentally and emotionally. There was a point, I couldn’t be around my brother and I just completely avoid him. Every time he texted or called me, I would cringe because I just did not want to deal with him. Throughout these ‘downhill’ times within my family, I somewhat developed this ‘wall’ where I would hold myself back or just take step back as a whirlwind of drama goes by. In the past, I’d get completely involved and try to fix things whenever an a problem or an issue would arise. Recently, my views or reactions to problem and issues is vastly different now compared to the past.
When I was in graduate school I use to see a therapist (by the way… there is nothing wrong with that). Throughout my sessions, I learn to not negatively react to situations that are out of my control. I would not let the ‘issue’ take control over me and stress me out. Instead I would decided whether or not to get involved or to calmly assess the situation. So, in this recent case with my brother, I decided not to ‘fix’ his problems and instead I listened to his issues. It was very difficult because I would either verbally say this or say this in my head, ‘get over your shit’ or ‘get it together’ or ‘OMG are you going through manopause???’ (the last one was very immature of me). So, in a way I made my brother feel terrible about himself. Mind you, I work every day and wake up every day at 6 A.M. and my attitude is ‘listen, get your life together because we ALL go through shit! and that is life!’
I feel bad for my mom because she feels for him, like any other mother would for their son or daughter who are going through a very difficult time. Just a few days ago my brother built up the courage to tell my father and I about the root of all of his issues. He was sexually abused by two male family members on my mother’s side when he was 9 years old. When he said this to me and my father, I broke down and cried. My mother was perhaps 20 feet away from us (my brother, father and I) and she was asleep on the couch. I had all sorts of emotions go through me when he told me about his secret. My father was shocked (fyi…my father is my brother’s step-father). I could not stop crying because all I can think of is my brother when he was 9 years old losing his innocence and what kind of sick bastards and scums would do this to a 9 year old. They have absolutely no excuse! I was sad, mad, angry, and guilty. Yes, guilty for not being there for my brother when he as going through this alone. I felt bad for telling my brother ‘to get over his shit’ or ‘to go back to work’ ect. I felt horrible, I wanted to crawl out of my skin and into my bed, but I cannot imagine how my brother felt. He was crying out for help and all I kept thinking about ‘what a selfish asshole’. As I am typing this blog, I feel ashamed and the worst sister in the world. I cannot take back my words from my brother and I asked for his forgiveness but at the same time he needed help.
Folks, please do not judge me as you read my blog, but just a second and give thanks, because at the end of the day, family is all we have in this sick world. Appreciate your family, your mom, dad, brother, or sister, ect. Embrace them and don’t judge them too quickly because underneath it all, there is a reason and whatever that reason is or whatever that problem is, just know they have someone there by their side. I regret for being an asshole to my brother but at the same time I didn’t know, what I could have done is asked him if he was OK or if there was something he needed to talk to me about. I love my brother with all my heart.
I will write in the next blog about what has happened since…
Phew, I feel so much better writing because it was alot that I have to vent out.