Following Through your Goals

Hi Folks,

So, I have 2 more days left to submit my dissertation to my advisor..ahhhh!!! It’s coming together. I know I can do this. Last night’s blog ‘Destroy Fear’ (I know the title was a bit dramatic) helped me put my thoughts down and pinpoint what exactly was bothering me. Basically, it came down to fear of failing. Well, I already squash that and faced my barrier of ‘fear’, I just need to take a deep breathe and just do it. I will NEVER know how things will turn out until I actually do it. So, in terms of my situation, I will never know what will happen until I submit my dissertation to my advisor. I need to just pull that band-aid off and just face reality

I know I can do it! I know I can pass this! this is my work and I worked so hard on this. Therefore, follow through your goals, and don’t let fear consume you and get in the way of your goals.

Let’s see how this roller coaster ride goes and let’s see where it takes me.

Destroy Fear!

Well today I tried very hard not to waste time and just follow through with my goals. It was very difficult because I just want this whole thing (graduate school life) to end already. But all I need to do is just finish this damn dissertation. It almost there and I’m trying very hard to fight this fucking procrastination. I wish I can just sit down and just do it. My attention is span is very short and I will do everything and anything to avoid doing the dissertation. The more I think about the more I waste time. I think I’m just scared and therefore by holding on to it (dissertation) delays my committee from judging me or criticizing me. I take criticism very badly because I start to think about how stupid I am or I should have known that or I should have said this or I’m not good enough. That is how I felt when I met with my committee last semester. I just think I’m not capable of being like them, I need to find it within me. I was never like this, believe it or not. When I did my Master thesis and when I defended it, it was one of the best days of my life. I truly felt like a scholar and it gave me the biggest confidence booster when I passed. My Master thesis was my life, day and night, and I wanted to get it done and I had passion. I literally would wake up every morning at 5AM and I would get ready and head to the library with my laptop and started writing. I can’t understand why I can’t do that for my dissertation or why I haven’t been doing that in the past. I’m afraid of rejection, I’m afraid of being laughed at or mocked, I’m afraid of not passing. This fucking fear is getting in my way of achieving my goal. I need to destroy this fear and just fucking do it.

Don’t Give up!

Purpose: Don’t give up on your hopes and dreams. Keep going!!!!

Hi Folks! sorry for the LONG delay from blogging. I promise, I will try to keep up. It has helped me in the past when I kept blogging on a daily basis, but I forgot why I stopped. I have a few drafts that I kept storing and never found the time to finish writing, but I chose this particularly draft, because I wrote it during a time when I felt very helpless and just another rock of turmoil and bullshit thrown at me.

Update (2 months ago-This draft was written in July):

Well, no good news. I wish I can say things are OK or better, but my family and I are currently in a standstill at the moment. My dad heard from a co-worker that the company plans to move him to a different building(s), meaning that, my family and I would have to move. Where? I do not have a clue yet. My dad tells me this yesterday, while I’m at work, and then I start to FREAK out because this is the LAST thing I need to deal with. My mom is trying to be positive about this and supportive, and so am I, but it gets to a point when I start to think ‘when is it enough??!’. When can I catch a break?? There is always something that always tries to bring me and my family down. Especially me, I feel like I never catch a break in my academic and social life. It’s very hard to say this, but my dad cannot continue to work at his current job, because he is struggling to keep up. He does not admit to this but it is very true. His phone does constantly ringing either because it is a phone call, an email, or a text message or a voicemail. He is harassed by the tenants because they hate the new management company and the first person who they take it out on is my father. I know this is part of this job, but this is not life or a healthy working environment for him. The sad part, is that he just takes it, he does it for my us. He can get hurt by falling but the man will get up and continue to work. This is not the way to live life and it is unfair.

My mom and I want my dad to stop working at his job, but he wants to wait it out until we are able to purchase a home. Speaking of buying a home, which I’m sure you all know, is not EASY. It takes time and research. However, my parents depend too much on me to do this and I do not have time. I wake up every morning at 6:30 AM for work and come back home around 7 PM. I then go to the gym because it is the only time of the day to have some ME time. Then I try to do some dissertation work and pass out afterwards.******

Family Update (today):

It was pretty tough reading the above draft that I written 2 months ago. I was very angry and helpless. Today, I saw a therapist because I feel like my ability to focus and just concentrate on myself has taken a turn for the worse. I have until Friday to hand in my edited dissertation and today is Monday, Sept 28. I feel like if I just concentrate and put my all into it, I can definitely make the deadline, but for some reason I can’t. I know it sounds stupid and so immature, but I feel like I’m not allowing myself to move forward. I spoke to my therapist about it today and he said that I am showing him signs of depression. To be honest, I feel depressed. I feel like my family brings me down, even though I love them so much, and I’m just hard on myself. I was happy that I was able to have a conversation with someone instead of just badly judging and hurting myself. When I say hurting myself, I do not mean physically (so no worries) but I hurt myself mentally and emotionally. For example, I am an emotional eater and I will eat eat eat because it satisfy this emptiness that I have, I won’t go the gym (even though, I know it makes me feel better after a great workout, I refuse to go), or I distance myself from everybody. I have written so many ‘TO DO’ lists and I probably only followed through less than 3 lists. Also, 2 months ago, I was going to the gym constantly and now I barely go. I’d rather stay in my room and I keep telling myself, ‘yea just rest and then you will work on your dissertation..just rest’ and next thing you know it’s already 11PM. It a sick cycle and I have been in this funk for the past 2 months. It’s so bad that it has been negatively affecting me.

I can’t even go into my family because it will only bring me down. I will write about them in another blog. I will try not to give up on myself and will keep going even stupid obstacles.

I will try to check in tomorrow!